When Your Toddler Will Only Go to Sleep for One Parent
How to handle parent preference at bedtime
When your toddler will only settle to sleep for one parent, bedtimes can be very tough. In fact, many toddlers go through phases of only wanting one parent to help them with anything! But bedtime can feel especially difficult.
At the end of the day, toddlers are tired, emotionally worn out, and less able to cope with change. And honestly? Parents usually are too.
Usually (though not always), the preferred parent is mummy, simply because she’s often the main caregiver. But if there’s a new baby in the family and mummy’s attention is elsewhere at bedtime, the “preferred parent” role can sometimes switch to daddy instead.
This bedtime preference is especially common in toddlers who rely on a parent lying with them to fall asleep. When you try to swap parents, the reaction can sometimes feel huge.
And when your child only wants one of you at bedtime, it can feel upsetting, rejecting, exhausting — or just really, really annoying.
Don’t take it personally
Parent preference is almost always about habit, familiarity, temperament, and sleep associations — not genuine rejection of the other parent. It’s so important for the two of you to work as a team and support one another through this phase.
The “non-preferred” parent may still feel hurt or rejected, even when they understand that their child’s behaviour is developmentally normal. They often need reassurance, encouragement, and opportunities to build confidence in their own relationship with their child.
Meanwhile, the “preferred” parent can feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of being the only one “allowed” to handle bedtime or other aspects of care. That parent may really need and appreciate practical support in other areas — preparing meals, managing household tasks, or taking care of general life admin — especially during more intense phases of parent preference.
How to handle it
1. Work on independent sleep first
If your toddler currently needs you to lie with them to fall asleep, this is the first thing to tackle.
Rather than simply swapping the preferred parent into the bed, focus on helping your child learn to fall asleep without a parent beside them.
Once your child can fall asleep independently, it becomes much easier to alternate bedtime between parents.
Have a look at my free guide to help you with this https://andreagrace.co.uk/toddler-sleep-struggles/
2. Prepare your child in advance
Don’t spring the change on them at bedtime.
Tell your child earlier in the day:
“Daddy/Mummy is doing bedtime tonight.”
Be calm, confident, and matter-of-fact.
Use a simple social story
For younger toddlers especially, a little “social story” can really help.
This is just a simple story that walks your child through exactly what bedtime will look like with the other parent, so they know what to expect.
You can even add little drawings or photos to make it feel special.
Example:
My name is ________.
I am getting so big!
At bedtime I have my bath.
Then I clean my teeth.
I get into bed.
Daddy reads me a story.
Then we kiss goodnight.
“Goodnight Daddy! See you in the morning!”
I am big now and I go to sleep all by myself.
Hurrah! See you in the morning!
3. Golden Time
If your child strongly prefers one parent, it can help to build in some “golden time” before bed.
Spend 20–30 minutes together without distractions:
- Reading
- Chatting
- Playing
- Cuddling
This can be especially important if there’s a new baby and your attention is usually shared.
4. Avoid the temptation to “rescue” bedtime
For the first couple of bedtimes, it can actually help if the preferred parent is out of the house entirely.
If they’re home, toddlers often hold out hope that the preferred parent will step in.
If the preferred parent is at home, try not to intervene — except to support the other parent calmly:
“I know you’re upset, but it’s Daddy’s turn tonight and he’s brilliant at bedtime stories.”
5. Avoid guilt or emotional pressure
Try not to say things like:
- “You’ve made Mummy sad.”
- “Daddy thinks you don’t love him.”
This only adds pressure and emotional weight to an already emotional situation.
6. Expect tears — and stay calm
It will probably take longer than usual at first.
There may be tears and protests.
That’s OK.
Stay calm, loving, and consistent. Your child is learning that both parents are safe, capable bedtime caregivers.
7. Celebrate success the next morning
If the other parent managed bedtime, make a big fuss about it the next day.
Use warm, specific praise:
“You went to bed with Daddy/Mummy last night — you were so brilliant!”
Stickers or small rewards can help reinforce the new routine too.
This phase does pass — especially when bedtime becomes calmer, more predictable, and less dependent on one particular parent.
And remember: this isn’t about your child loving one parent more. It’s simply about familiarity, routine, and habit.
Further help
If you’re struggling with your child or baby’s sleep either now or in the future, I am here to help you.
My books
My bestselling books give you the tools to help your baby and yourself get the rest you need.
They are full of expert, practical advice and case studies. Each book teaches you to create your baby or child’s personal sleep plan and is written in a clear and accessible style.
They are available in all formats from Amazon and other booksellers.
My self guided sleep plans
Expert help that you can access immediately, the sleep plans will transform your child’s [and your] sleep.
Whether want a clear structure and fast progress, or to make gradual changes over time, these plans support both approaches.
After following the sleep plans, there is the opportunity to purchase a follow up consultation if you need it.
My sleep plans are a mix of video, graphics and easy-to-read text. They are a great way to access my expert help – from your phone, tablet or laptop. They have no expiry date and are updated frequently. The Settled sleep plan is very comprehensive, easy to dip in and out of and is very empowering.
The Settled Mornings plan is concise and accessible – it takes around an hour to complete and it may be the best hour you’ve ever spent!
Both of the plans contain helpful schedules for day and night time sleep.
My private consultations
If you choose to book a private consultation with me, you will receive my expert individual advice as well as other resources and ongoing advice depending on the package you choose.
You will be in very safe, experienced hands and I treat every parent and child with kindness.
As a qualified health professional, I can help if your baby or you have medical needs. I have helped over 15,000 families from all over the world to get a good night’s sleep.
You can see my reviews on Trustpilot.to