Sleep associations are often misunderstood and feared by parents. Here we look at what they are, which ones matter, and how to support a child’s sleep without removing comfort or connection. All humans rely on sleep cues.

Baby and child sleep associations are so incredibly important when it comes to the quality of their sleep. Sleep associations can also be called ‘sleep cues’ or ‘sleep triggers.’

They are the actions and things  which, especially if they are pleasant, will help your child to fall asleep and stay asleep!

The very best sleep associations are ones that help your baby or child to feel comforted enough to fall asleep on their own.

They provide a sense of security, familiarity and comfort.

Some sleep associations are great at helping babies to fall asleep. However, if they need replacing or repeating during the night, they might not be too good at keeping them asleep.

This is especially the case if their chosen sleep association involves your close involvement!

Good Sleep Associations

To my mind, there are 3 main categories of helpful sleep associations. I would say that they are external, behavioural and environmental.

This might sound a bit complicated, but it’s not, and I’ve explained below!

1 – External

Lots of little ones will develop positive sleep associations around external items.

These are things like their dummy, their thumb, a “lovey”, a special blanket or teddy. Comfort or sleep “items” are also known as “transitional objects. ”

As the name suggests, they can be very useful in helping young children make the transition from awake to asleep. They also help with the transition from dependence to independence! A favourite comforter can help little ones feel more secure when separating from you – at daycare for example. 

Because a comfort item helps a child to feel safe, calm and happy, you shouldn’t worry about how grubby and worn it is. However, try to get an identical “spare” so you can rotate for cleaning, and for back up if one gets lost. If your child is very attached to a comfort object, don’t worry, it is good thing. It can help them safely cope with growing up and learning how to cope with their independence. At least half of all babies and toddlers have a comforter, and most will choose their own object at around 6 months old. Interestingly, their need for the comforter tends to be at its greatest between 18 months and 2 ½ years old. 

2 – Behavioural

Other sleep associations are “action based” or behavioural, like twiddling their hair, or making rhythmic movements or sounds.

These actions can help a baby or child relax and go to sleep. Many of these type of sleep associations happen during the bedtime routine. For example, having the same rhyme, song or phrase when they put their pyjamas on or clean their teeth. Each repeated element that is part of a bedtime routine, whether it is a ritual of drying between their toes or giving them milk, will become a lovely sleep association for them. That’s why a familiar bedtime routine is the ultimate behavioural sleep association! 

3 – Environmental

Many sleep associations are environmental, such as a low, red night light, white noise, lullabies, the familiar smell of their bedding.Even the sound of you chatting in the living room can become a child’s sleep association.

Unhelpful sleep associations

Unhelpful sleep associations are things that require you to get up and repeat when your child wakes at night. An example is having to replace a younger baby’s lost dummy. Another is you giving your child a few night feeds because they can only sleep when drinking milk.

So it’s great if a baby or child’s familiar sleep cues support them to fall asleep alone and without any props that they can’t self manage.

For lots of children, the main sleep association that they need to fall asleep is you! This can be an unhelpful sleep association unless you’ve chosen to  co-sleep.

It’s lovely to stroke your child’s face or let them twiddle your hair until they fall asleep. But it doesn’t work in the long term to keep them asleep. Also, for some children, having you sitting beside them can act as a distraction. Falling asleep can take a long time for them, and it can be very frustrating for you. It’s not a good feeling if you’re waiting for them to sleep so you can leave the room! I have advice in My Gentle Sleep Course, on how to help babies feel ok about falling asleep alone.

Hair twiddling & skin pinching

It’s really common for babies and toddlers to twiddle their parent’s [usually their mum’s] hair as they go to sleep. Another thing that some like to do is stroke or pinch their parent’s skin or nipple. Although this provides the child with lots of comfort, it can cause mummy a lot of discomfort! 

If your child falls asleep with you next to them, and wakes up later and you’re gone, they are likely to feel upset. They will usually need to find you, and then you will have to do the same thing again in the night. If this happens more than once, you could get up in the morning having had hardly any sleep.

If this works for you and you are happy with the situation, then there is no need to change things. It’s a shame though, for your child to feel upset in the night. Especially when it is possible for them to sleep happily on their own. 

See my blogs for advice on how to help babies and children fall asleep alone.

Take home message

Encourage repetition and comfort items they can self manage as positive sleep associations. These can help babies fall asleep easily and join their nighttime sleep cycles. Try to avoid unhelpful sleep associations that involve them being helped too much by you to fall asleep.

Further help

If you’re struggling with your baby’s sleep or have any questions, I am here to help you.

My books

My bestselling books give you the tools to help your baby and yourself get a good night’s sleep. They are full of expert, practical advice and case studies. Each book teaches you to create your baby or child’s personal sleep plan and is written in a clear and accessible style.

They are available in all formats from Amazon and other booksellers.

Private Consultations

If you choose to book a one-to-one consultation with me, you will receive my expert individual advice. You will be in very safe, experienced hands and I treat every parent and child with kindness.

As a qualified health professional, I can help families with medical and developmental issues. My success rate is outstanding, with over 15,000 face-to-face sleep consultations with families from all over the world.

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