Is Separation Anxiety Affecting My Child’s Sleep?
Separation anxiety often shows up most strongly at bedtime or during the night, when children are tired and find it hardest to cope with distance from their parents. If your child suddenly needs more reassurance to fall asleep or wakes more often overnight, this doesn’t mean sleep is “going backwards” — it’s usually a sign of emotional development, not a problem you’ve created.
Almost all babies and toddlers experience periods of separation anxiety It’s a normal and healthy part of their development and it doesn’t mean they’re going to grow up to be an anxious adult.
Babies usually first start to show signs of separation anxiety between 6 and 9 months.
This is the time that they realise that they and their mother or other carer are two separate people. It is when they literally become self aware.
It’s also the time that they start forming strong attachments to close adults.
Separation anxiety is very connected to a baby or child’s understanding and perception of object permanence – the fact that things and people still exist even when you can’t see them.
It’s this understanding of being separate and being separated that causes many babies to experience separation anxiety.
When does it get better?
The initial period of separation anxiety usually peaks somewhere between 10-18 months and gets better by the time they are 3-4 years old. It’s normal for it to ‘flare up’ from time to time, such as when a child is unwell or experiencing changes to their daily life. It can also be triggered by a developmental leap, often involving them becoming more independent. This includes things like become more mobile [crawling & walking] and developing language and communication skills.
How to recognise separation anxiety
You might notice that your baby or child becomes upset when you leave the room. Before this, they were probably happy for you to be around, but not over-stressed when they couldn’t see you.
Suddenly they become clingy and upset when you leave them. The thing that makes them anxious is that they have no real sense of time yet and they may feel that you leaving them is permanent.
This means that if you leave the room even for a moment, they have no idea when and if you are coming back.
You might find that your baby starts waking up more at night, to ‘check in’ with you and get some reassurance.
They may start needing you to be with them as they fall asleep, when previously they were happy to fall asleep alone.
How this affects sleep
Separation anxiety can be problematic for their sleep because good sleeping usually depends upon a child separating from you at bedtime and falling asleep sleep alone.
It’s normal for them to wake up during the night with their sleep cycles. If you are next to them as they fall asleep or if they fall asleep on your bed they may feel anxious and upset when they wake up without you or in a different place.
No parent wants their child to feel fearful and anxious, especially at night time.
Fortunately, there are some things you can do to help them feel more secure about being apart from you.
Separation sleep tips
At bedtime
Follow a very consistent and structured bedtime routine. Familiar patterns help babies and young children feel safe and contained.
Be especially close, loving and physically connected to your baby during this time, and especially in preparation for bedtime.
Keep talking when you’re outside the room, so they understand that just because they can’t see you it doesn’t mean you’re not there.
Before putting them into their cot or bed, make sure that they are in a safe place, such as on the floor and then pop in and out of the bedroom briefly, to bring nightclothes for instance.
Chat to yourself so they can hear you and be cheerful and calm each time you return.
If they can crawl or walk, let them follow you out of the room and give them a lovely welcome cuddle when they find you!
Putting them to bed
After a familiar story and good night ritual, place them into the cot whilst they are awake. If they are upset about you leaving, you can pop in and out of the room very frequently and briefly. This will give them the message that when you leave, you will come back.
When you’re outside their room, let them hear your voice. Try faking a phone call!
Alternatively, if they are very wobbly about you leaving, you can stay beside them until they go to sleep.
If you’ve stayed beside them, gradually move away from the cot over the period of a week or two until they feel secure alone in the room.
During the night
Keep them in their own bed and reassure them there rather than bringing them into bed with you.
With a toddler or child, praise them in the morning for independent sleeping.
Sleep Training & separation anxiety
Different ways to do sleep training are described in my Settled sleep plan.
If you decide to leave your baby or child to settle alone at bedtime, you should always return to them frequently to reassure them.
It’s so important when you return to your baby to act like your usual self. Avoiding eye contact and voice contact with them is unsettling and will only make them feel more anxious.
With an older baby, you can explain when you leave them, that you are “doing some jobs” and will come back. Let them hear you outside their room and make sure you go back to them frequently.
If they call of you, you can all back, “I’m just here. I’ll be there in a minute!”
After a night of any kind of sleep guiding, be especially responsive to them on the following day.
If you’re teaching your baby to sleep independently and you hit a period of separation anxiety, you might just have to slow things down and consolidate where you are, rather than moving things forward.
Daytime tips
During the day Play “peek-a-boo” games with them, where you hide first of all behind a newspaper, then behind a piece of furniture and finally behind a door.
Keep your disappearances brief and your reappearances loving, with lots of cuddling.
When you are in another room, chat to yourself or sing, so that even though they can’t see you, they can hear you and they know that you’re there!
Consciously follow familiar daytime and evening rituals, to help them feel safe and contained within that structure.
Have a gradual settling in period when your baby starts in day care.
Don’t sneak off when you leave them. It’s better to say goodbye warmly and then leave quickly and confidently. Don’t stay away too long at first. You can gradually build up the period of your absences.
Encourage them to have a transitional object [comfort object.]
Further help
If you’re struggling with your baby or child’s sleep either now or in the future, I am here to help you.
My books
My self guided plans
My plans are a mix of video, graphics and easy-to-read text. They are a great way to access my expert help – from your phone, tablet or laptop. The plans have no expiry date and are updated frequently. The Settled plan is very comprehensive, easy to dip in and out of and is very empowering. The Settled Mornings plan is concise and accessible – it takes around an hour to complete and it may be the best hour you’ve ever spent!
Both of the plans contain helpful schedules for day and night time sleep.
Private consultations
If you choose to book a one-to-one consultation with me, you will receive my expert, individual advice.
You will be in very safe, experienced hands and I treat every parent and child with kindness. As a qualified health professional, I can help if your baby or you have medical needs. I have helped over 15,000 families from all over the world to get a good night’s sleep.
See my reviews on Trustpilot